Meet Me in the Darkness of Your Mind
by selenehekate
Summary: Hermione can't handle the pressure to be perfect, and she cuts herself to relieve the tension. What happens when Severus finds out? Occurs in her seventh year of Hogwarts.
1. Chasing Perfection

_AN: Okay, so this story is AU. The war ended the summer before Hermione's seventh year, and Snape is still alive. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Take care!_

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Hermione Granger was glad she was a witch. She liked having the ability to get dressed with the twitch of her wand. She felt safe knowing that she could protect herself with one hand tied behind her back. She loved that she'd never have to be late anywhere ever again. But most of all, Hermione Granger loved that she could put a glamor over all of her scars.

Not the scars that covered her stomach from the dark curses she encountered during the war. Nor the scars that she'd received days after Dumbledore died, when Harry finally killed Voldemort. No, these scars were self-inflicted. The thin white lines that littered her wrists were easily hidden by magic, and for that she was grateful. If anyone knew that perfect Hermione Granger had a favorite razor blade - one that was extra sharp at the tip, for maximum efficiency, of course - she would be ostracized. If anyone ever found out that she was failing, that she couldn't handle the expectation to stay perfect, she wouldn't be able to deal with it. Her façade was who she was, and she couldn't let that fade.

Nor could she let the scars on her arms fade. No, the new cuts that graced her skin acted as band-aids to cover her old scars. Her flesh was constantly blemished with reminders to herself that she _couldn't_ be perfect, that she would _never_ be perfect.

And yet she didn't stop. Couldn't stop, is more accurate. The feeling of tension leaving her body as she watched the blood trickle down her arms was like a drug to her; it was the closest thing to relaxation that she really knew. Which is why she _had_ to keep doing it, to keep slicing away at her skin every morning before breakfast, to steel herself for the day ahead. It worked well for her, too. She could wake up, take a shower, perform her ritual cutting, put a glamor over it, and then be in the Great Hall in time for breakfast. Her routine held the perfection that she craved.

Until that one day she slipped up.

It was the day of her seventh year autumn Potions midterm. She was going over the notes in her head, repeating to herself the fourteen different cures to a Sleeping Draught, and she left her room too quickly. It wasn't until later, after breakfast, when she was sitting in front of her cauldron preparing to take the exam that she realized what she'd missed.

It happened as she was rolling her sleeves up before class. "Hey, Hermione, what happened to your arm?" Ron asked as he reached out and grabbed her wrist.

With wide eyes, she glanced down at her pale skin and realized that she'd forgotten to put a glamour over the new cut. The fresh wound was a long, red, and angry line lying horizontal over her veins, and the edges were still tinged pink with blood.

She wrenched her arm away from him and forced a laugh. "Oh, it's just a paper-cut." _Thank Merlin I always cover my scars before I cut_, she thought to herself. She tried to appear relaxed, but her hand was tightly clenching her textbook.

Harry raised an eyebrow at her. "A paper-cut? Looks a little deep for that, Hermione."

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Snape walking towards them, and she made herself roll her eyes. "Honestly, Harry. Haven't you seen the large, thick-paged texts I carry around with me? If anyone is going to _really_ get hurt from a book, you can't be at all surprised that it's me."

Both of her friends chuckled and turned away from her, moving to prepare their cauldrons for the exam. She had to force herself not to sigh with relief. She had done it. She'd redirected their attentions. Her dark secret was safe.

But then her eyes met Snape's, and that feeling of relief evaporated. He was staring at her, his eyes narrowed as he studied her face. Then he glanced down at her arm, his eyes slowly roaming over the cut there.

Looking down into her cauldron, Hermione rolled down her sleeve. _He can't know anything_, she reassured herself. _My explanation is perfectly viable. He's probably just thinking of ways to humiliate me for cutting myself on a book. That's it. Any moment now he'll start insulting me_.

But he never did.

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_So this is going to be a Severus/Hermione story. I'm not entirely sure how long it will be, but it will be told in a series of open-ended oneshots - the kind where it's a complete tale that leaves you begging for more. Hopefully I'll be able to update this soon, so stay tuned!_

_This was written for the Hogwarts Games: Long-Jump. It was also written for the OTP Boot Camp with the prompt "Killing," and for the Character Diversity Boot Camp with the prompt "Façade." Please review it and tell me what you think! I'd love some criticism. Thanks!_

_Cheers!_

_-Selene_


	2. Control

Hermione's dream, as a child, was to be the prime minister of Britain. She wanted to be in control of everything that occurred; she wanted to make decisions for everyone and to take control of her own destiny. Even as a child, she liked the idea of paving her own way and determining her own future. She could make her life perfect if she were in control.

That all changed when she found out she was a witch, though. Suddenly, not only was her dream infeasible, but she was also thrust into the exact opposite of what she wanted: suddenly, she was the underdog. She had no control over anything, and she knew nothing about the magical world. She had to work twice as hard as everyone else just to learn the basics of this new world, and the idea of a controlled perfection slipped from her grasp. She remembered the feeling well, when she realized that she couldn't be in control. Her childhood dream was shattered.

This was the feeling that permeated her being as her eyes locked with Professor Snape that day in Potions class. Terror seized her, and she felt all of her carefully constructed control slip away as it dawned on her that he wasn't going to make a snarky comment about her slicing her arm open on her books. No, it looked like he knew _exactly _what had happened.

So that day, as class ended, she tried to beat the rest of her peers out of the dungeons before Professor Snape could say anything. She failed. "Miss Granger," he said, his voice cold as he stopped her. "A word, if you will."

She swallowed, but she stayed behind anyway; it wasn't like she had much of a choice. Harry and Ron gave her sympathetic smiles as they filed past her and out the door. _Oh, if only they knew how bad this is going to get_, she thought as she grimly faced her professor.

She heard the door click shut behind her and watched as Professor Snape gave a swift flick of his wand. "Roll up your sleeves," he said. His voice was still cold.

She did as she was asked, slowly pushing up the long black sleeve from her robe on her right side. She knew the glamour was in place there; she had nothing to worry about. She glanced up at him, hoping it would be enough, but his eyes were firm. With a sigh, she repeated the motion with her left sleeve, revealing a long, red mark.

His words were swift. "How did this happen?"

"It's a paper cut, sir" she said. Her voice was soft, as though she could distract him from the problem at hand if she just kept her voice down.

He didn't blink an eye, though, at her outright lie. "Tell the truth."

"That is the truth," she insisted. "I promise you, it was a paper cut."

"Miss Granger, do be candid with me." His voice had grown sharp, and his words almost sounded more like a snarl than a sentence. "Were you attacked?"

She blinked. Was _that_ the conclusion he'd come to? Not that she had hurt herself, but that someone else had hurt her? A part of her was relieved by that notion; surely her secret was safe, then, if he didn't think she'd done it.

Yet at the same time, a part of her became disgusted with herself. Was it really so outside the realm of possibility that she would _hurt_ herself that no one - not even Professor Snape - would come to that conclusion? Was it really so far-fetched that she would have this horrible, obsessive need to control and maintain her perfection through the release of blood from her body? She shouldn't need to do it; she was Hermione Jean Granger. She should have been able to be perfect on her own.

Still, she wasn't stupid. She knew that she'd just been presented with a golden opportunity, and she quickly took it. "I..." she pretended to stutter and hoped that her face was turning an appropriate shade of red. "I... I was pushed," she said at last. "I don't know by who, but-"

"That's a lie," he interrupted, his eyes narrowing. "Who hurt you?"

"I don't know-"

"Miss Granger, I don't know _why_ you would lie about this. If someone is hurting you, it's your duty to report it." He stepped closer to her. "Do you understand? You must tell me who hurt you. Or it could happen again."

She just shook her head, though. "I really don't know, Professor. Honestly."

He still wasn't satisfied. "If I find out you're trying to protect Misters Potter or Weasley, Miss Granger, I can assure you that the consequences-"

"I'm not!" she said quickly. "Really! I don't know who pushed me! Maybe it was an accident, even. Sir, I... I really just don't know."

He was silent for a moment, his eyes scanning hers as he looked for what Hermione could only assume was some sort of clue that she was lying. She tried her best to keep a relatively innocent expression on her face because of this; she didn't want to continue to attract his attention. If only she knew what he was thinking... "You may go, Miss Granger," he said at last.

Relieved, she quickly grabbed her bag and moved towards the door. She was a little disturbed, however, to find his eyes still on her as she shut the door behind her.

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_This was written for the Hogwarts Games: Long Jump. _

_I apologize for my brief absence from the site over the month of November, but I'm back now! I should be updating two of my Severus/Hermione stories soon, so if you follow those, check back soon. Thank you in advance for the reviews! I really appreciate them! I'm looking forward to continuing this story; I have some really great ideas for it, and I hope you'll stay tuned!_

_Thank you so much!_

_-Selene_


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